when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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