Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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