I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just pee around me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
