I'm so fucking centered right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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