phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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