I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
