I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
