Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
