woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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