I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
