We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
