how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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