The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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