4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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