Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
