I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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