he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
