I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
