fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
