In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
