why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am naked and annoyed.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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