Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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