You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
