what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
