3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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