Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
