My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
