Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
