I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
