Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
