i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
