today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
