he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
