Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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