Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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