My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
