Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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