Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Come on in and take your pants off
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