I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
