is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
