the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
