I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
