You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
