i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
