I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
