I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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