we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
