he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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