Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
