I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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