I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You smell like stripper and shame
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
