I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
