this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
