just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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